Title: Loveable Rival!Author: Lenita
Reviewer: Racheal
Title: 4/5
From where I�ve read until, the title matches the story but not enough plus it isn�t as catchy as I thought it would be. If I were to be a reader and browsing through Winglin, I might not click on your story.
Poster and Background: 7/10
The poster is simple and nice but I think it�ll be a little bit better if you could add a quote or saying in it?
Forewords: 7/10
The forewords was okay, you introduce your characters and how they�re going to be in school and what their real personalities are. I was wondering, though, you told us about Maki and Yamapi�s family background, what about Toma�s family background?
Plot: 7/10
Well, what I can say is that the plot was pretty common. BUT what I like about your plot is that, instead of those same-o same-o stories where 2 guys will go after 1 girl or 2 girls go after 1 guy, yours is a girl and a guy going after a guy. Wow, first time I come across with that kind of story.
Plus, when I read your forewords, I was like �oh god, this is gonna be soo boring && clich� but hey, you proved me wrong. You added a little twist here and there and you made some of the scenes funny, now this is what I like. Using those old and common plots and turning them into something different and/or wild like yours. Nice.
Flow: 8/10
Aahh, the flow was okay. But there are some parts where it went a little fast. Try to keep it steady, there�s no need to rush.
Grammar, Spelling, Vocabularies: 6/15
Okay, first let me tell you that your grammar, spelling, and vocabularies are important in your story to keep your readers continue reading your story. This is where you can impress your readers.
I realized that there are quite a number of spelling mistakes, but no worries I won�t take them that seriously cause every author makes a mistake when it comes to spelling. Oh and in chap 3, you wrote �Klaustrophobia�. It�s actually �Claustrophobia�. I don�t know whether it�s a typo or what, but just to let you know.
And your grammar weren�t that good also. In chapter1 you wrote; theirselfs. By right, it�s suppose to be; themselves.
And my gawd, your past tense! I suggest you go through your English book about past tense before you start writing.
Chapter 2; you wrote �sitted�. I was like �heh? =.=�. It�s �sat�.
Chapter 3; you wrote �standed�. It�s �stood�.
Chapter 23; you wrote �rested�. It should be �rest�.
My dear, NOT EVERYTHING ends with a �-ed� in past tense. Heck, some doesn�t even need to change anything in past tense, you get me? Go through your English book about this.
�And I think there�s no such �dark black� if you want to describe something dark? It should be pitch black;
Chapter 4; you wrote,
She turned around and saw nothing but dark black
Edited.
It was pitch black and she couldn�t see anything when she looked around.
(I hope you don�t mind me changing it a little bit)
Characterization: 3/5
You started it off fine but slowly it�s just like going down. You manage to keep Yamapi�s personality good all the way, except when he realized he�s not gay and falls for Maki instead. Maki was okay too, though I felt like her real personality is slowly going poof, to me.
lol maybe she got used to being girly and all haha. Ah-hem, sorry *clears throat*
Ahh, Toma. In the forewords, you said that Toma�s bi sexual. Where is it? Where is it that shows that he�s bi? I don�t see it except the part where Yamapi and Toma kissed a little at Yamapi�s grandma�s house. But after that, nope. Nothing. Unless you were thinking to make him bi somewhere later in story? Since your story is still on-going. But if it is, then I have nothing else to say. Anyway, you also wrote that Toma�s real personality was nerdy and he likes science. Again, I don�t see it. I don�t see his nerdy side anywhere in the story, unless I must�ve missed it in the beginning of the story?
Originality: 8/10 From what I wrote in the plot, it was common but you�ve manage to make it an original story. So, I�ve nothing much to say here.
Writing Style: 4/10 Writing style is also important when it comes to writing a story. I mean, how the heck can you gain readers if your writing style�s damn messy right?
Anyway, first off, in chapter 1; you wrote,
'If someone's gonna ruin their relationship he'll destroy her or him!!� � this is what Yamapi was thinking, correct?
My dear, if it�s IN someone�s thoughts, then �their� should be �our� like so,
�If someone�s gonna ruin our relationship, I�ll destroy her or him!�
Get it? Why? Because it�s not based on 3rd person POV, it was based on YAMAPI�s POV.
Next, why the hell you wrote Maki�s step dad�s husband�s name as �No.2� in the whole story when he actually has a name?? I know that Maki calls him No. 2 but you only use that when Maki�s calling/talking to him like �HEY No. 2! Stop that!� for example. Dialogs can be informal and can be freely written but when it comes to writing the story, it should be formal and you should saying �Tang Zhi Ping�, I assume that that�s his name as you�ve stated in chapter1, instead of �No. 2� like �Tang Zhi Ping knocked on Maki�s door� for example.
Oh gawd, you DO NOT use � : � when writing a dialog! That is only when you write script writing, which you must never write script writing in a story. It suppose to be a coma instead, like so;
Chapter 3; you wrote,
He said : " I'm definetly winning "
Edited.
He said, �I'm definitely winning "
Plus, you had a spelling mistake there *points at �definitely�*
Next, you DO NOT write �okay, IMAGINE, blablabla� when describing things! And darling, PLEASE separate up your lines. I know that in books that mush it all up in one paragraph but when it comes to reading in the internet, I suggest that you DO NOT write like that, it�s kind of difficult to read cause when I was reading, it got me all confused that I read the same line twice or thrice. I was like �=.= wtf�. SCREW THE �IMAGINE� AND DON�T FORGET THE PARAGRAPHING.
Chapter 9, you wrote,
He stopped right away when he saw her pose, IMAGINE : Wearing a pink bunny costume, A ( cute ) girl looking down while pressing her paws together. She liftes her face up. Big chocolate brown eyes looking at you, she turns away while biting her lip and turns back to look at you with a shy expression. Imagine ends here and back to Yamapi :
His heart starts to pound faster and faster. He turned his back on her and thought : ' Wha-Wha-What is this!!?? Is this some kinda trick of hers? Is she trying to be girly in front of me to get something? Is this part of her Plan??..... Yes! It has to be her evil plan to keep me away from Toma! Yes, that's it! Hahahhaa..! I won't fall for you... but... why is my heart beating so fast..? '
Edited.
He stopped right away when he looked at her posing.
She was looking down while pressing her paws together. She lifted her face up, facing Yamapi with her big, chocolate brown eyes. She turned and looked away and bit her lips for awhile and later turns back and looks at Yamapi with a shy expression.
Yamapi watched her acting this way and his heart starts pounding, faster and faster as it beats.
Yamapi blushed and quickly spun around, facing his back towards her and thought deeply, �Wha-What is this?! Is this some kind of trick of hers? Or is this just part of plan pretending to be girly in front of me to get something?�
Yamapi stared at the hard, cold floor as the questions runs about in his mind, �Yes, Yamapi! This must be her evil plan to get me away from Toma! Of course! Hahaha! I will not fall for you, Maki! But� why does my heart beats so fast for her�?�
---
Also, please try NOT to write using the �stars� -- *�.*okay? What you can do is �pause� his or her thoughts or talking and described what are they doing at that time, it�s really informal and not right to write like how you wrote in chapter 10;
Suddenly that smile of her dropped when she turned her glance on Yamapi who was lying on the floor doing his homeworks. ' There is a chance that it was him... Aaahhrgg!! I wanna know! What should I do? Should I ask them? *imagining how embarrassing it would be* *shakes her head around while blushing* No, No, No!! Definately NO, too embarrassing... ' she wrinkled her eyebrows together while thinking.
Edited,
Suddenly, that smile of hers fade away when she turned her glance to Yamapi, who was lying down on the floor, finishing up his homeworks and thought, �There�s a chance that it might be him! Argh! I�m so curious! What should I do?! Maybe I should ask them��
She paused for awhile and thought on how embarrassing it would be if she asked them. She quickly shook her head as she starts to turn red again.
�No, no! Definitely NO! It�s too embarrassing!� she wrinkled her nose and thought of another way.
Understand? And last but not least, SCREW THE EMOTICONS && THOSE �<3�. It�s freaking annoying to me. Okay, I admit that when I�m messaging or chat with my pals in MSN, I also use emoticons. But, hello! We�re writing a story here and its FORMAL. �Okay, I excuse you if you used in your Author�s Note. You do not and write like in chapter 1; " *Snifff..* I still love you Maki-chan <3 *sniffff* " He smiles.
Edited.
�I still love you Maki-chan!� he said it with much love as he was about to cry but still managed to smile.
AND describing them with emoticons like in chapter 8;
Tomas face = O.o (<- confused) Makis face = -.- (<- Yeah, right..)
Edited.
Toma has a confused look on his face whilst Maki made a �yeah, right� look.
Overall Enjoyment: 9/15
Frankly, this is my first time reading a fanfiction featuring Japanese artist, but don�t really I have nothing against them. And I can�t believe I�m saying this but I actually enjoyed reading your story. Cause I enjoy reading comedy romance story like yours, but that doesn�t mean I�m giving you a high mark for that. The only thing that got in the way was your writing style *points at the �writing style� section*.
Oh and your evil for leaving such a cliff hanger! I really want to know what happens next and do update soon!
Total: 63/100
NOTE : I apologized if I did sound harsh to you but hey, I�m here to help you improve right? And normally, harsh reviews are the ones that will �snap� you out of it and makes you improve. Since this story�s not over yet, I�m sure you could improve yourself in your next chapter and your other story. Plus, I�m pretty sure you�ll be a great writer one day, I do hope that you�ll request from us again and request for a review from me again (though it may sound silly asking like that) cause I would like to help you and see you improve.
Insert a warm welcome message here!