Title: Disturbia


Author: HidayahF


Reviewer: Racheal

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Title: 1/5

I know that you like the song ‘Disturbia’ sang by Rihanna, and you decided to write a story using the song’s title, yes? Even so, the story completely had nothing to do with the title. Plus, if I were just a reader browsing at Winglin, I wouldn’t even bother to click this story cause it wasn’t that attractive enough. Also, on my opinion, people who uses songs titles as their fanfic titles lack creativity.

Poster and Background: 3/10

Marks taken off cause there weren’t any poster. Background’s simple and dark that suits the story title but not the story itself.

Forewords: 3/10

My dear, you DO NOT just write the character’s personality && introduction just like that and end it just like that. If I were just a reader, I definitely would not continue reading on and left.

You have to include a short text, intro or an extract a paragraph from your story to make suspense. That way you can keep your readers because forewords is where it’ll determine whether your readers stay or not.

Plot: 7/10

Plot’s pretty common and predictable. I suggest adding some twist in the story to spice it up a little.

Flow: 5/10


The flow wasn’t steady plus it was going rather fast. I know Hebe && Arron likes each other but it’s like chapter 2 and suddenly they confessed to each other just like that.

Grammar, Spelling, Vocabularies: 7/15

I think maybe you should go through your English textbook or the dictionary. There are some sentences that I don’t even understand like in chapter 1; She out of her room,,,
HUH? What’s that? I know your saying ‘She got out of her room’ if that’s what your trying to say but please write it nicely. And what’s with your ‘,,,’ after every sentence you wrote? I’m not sure if it’s a typo or that’s really how you write things but please when you see that mistake please please please please change it to ‘…’. Don’t just leave it like that when you see an error.

In chapter2, you wrote ‘I will come there immediately’. If you want to go to a certain place away from your spot, you don’t write ‘come’. You write ‘go’, like ‘I will go there immediately’.

Chapter 3; your wrote;

Wang Zi:The way you speak,,,looks weird,,,,

Editted;

“The way you talk sounds weird” said Wang Zi.

You don’t look when someone is talking, you hear right? And what do you hear when people’s talking? Sound. ‘He sounds weird’

Characterization: 2/5

Characterization wasn’t that good. Maybe because it’s in script writing so you couldn’t express more on your characters cause it wasn’t really anything like how you wrote in the forewords about their personality. It’s like, all of them have the same personality.

Originality: 5/10

I said before in the ‘plot’ section that the plot’s predictable so marks taken off for that.

Writing Style: 5/10

Firstly I really really want to say, NO SCRIPT WRITING.

Script writing is really more for drama/movies and what you are writing here is a story. You do not write script writing in stories. Why? You can’t express more on your characters; you characters sound dead – no expression at all. Plus, I have no idea what’s going on in some parts. If you really want to stick to script writing so much, please add some narrating sentences or something to keep us where we are.

And I saw that in the last 2 (or was it 3?) chapters, it wasn’t in script writing anymore, so all’s good.

In chapter 3, you wrote that Arron was wearing something that made him look good for the party. Can you like describe what he was wearing? Instead of just telling us it looks good, I’m sure that there are people who’re curious on how he look like on that day.

Overall Enjoyment: 5/15


Frankly speaking, I didn’t enjoy the story one bit. It was a bore to me that I didn’t bother to read some scenes. I’m sorry but this is the truth from my opinion. Maybe it’s nice to read and exciting for your readers but not me.

NOTE : I’m sorry if I sound harsh or I’m very strict but I’m here to help you improve yourself. I hope that you wouldn’t get discourage from my reading my review but instead help you in your next chapter or story. Besides, even though I didn’t enjoy reading your story, at least you enjoy writing them and your readers enjoy reading them.

Total: 43/100