Title: Blinded Memory [completed]


Author: ShadowYin



Reviewed by: RyoMaXMaSuke

1. Title: 3.5/5


- I really like your title a lot. It says a lot about your story because basically she doesn’t remember her childhood CLEARLY. It’s a simple yet meaningful title. BUT a title which contains the word ‘Memory’ in it is pretty common in winglin. So, I may not click your story if I was browsing in winglin. I suggest that you find a word that also means memory, perhaps, Reminiscence?

And your title shouldn’t have a period.

2. Poster and Background: 5/10


- I DID like your poster BUT what confused me the most is that the title on the story was not on it but I do understand that you changed it after you requested the poster but you could’ve requested in the same site and explained to them that you changed the title of your story and asked them if they are willing to re-do it. I would also like to point out the pictures of the characters in the poster. I think it would be more appropriate if Ren and Yamato together with Reila are in the poster. You can put Shunsuke too because he does play a big part in the story.

3. Forewords: 4/10


- I have to say that the FOREWORDS ARE VERY IMPORTANT. Your forewords are way too short. I do appreciate, you putting the characters on it and you did put a VERY brief introduction. That helped but not that much. AND you CAN’T just write,

Name: Reila Kamiya


Age: 15


Looks: Short black hair, brown eyes…. So on…


You did write you weren’t good with descriptions but at least you should TRY and if you try, who knows you might be good at it or maybe it will improve your skills.


I suggest that you put a brief but yet meaningful introduction.


A Prologue maybe, containing how Reila escaped her parents and went to America , how she applied to Akadou Gakuen. Please be creative. An author needs creativity.

4. Plot: 11/10


- The plot was very common and it seemed like a sequel for Gokusen 3. Although, I love your cliffhangers, your twist and turns. Especially, the end, I LOVE it! I don’t fancy unhappy endings but this time I enjoyed it. I was squealing the whole time I was reading it.

5. Flow: 4/10


- Your flow was very rushed. It was like everything happened just like that! How Yamato liked Reila just like that, how they found out she was a girl just like that, how she mistaken Yamato just like that. It was VERY rushed. I was expecting Reila’s secret to be kept for a little longer. If your story’s flow is very fast, your story will be short. And you have to be creative of how it happened, write it so that the readers can imagine better. Yamato can’t just like Reila like that, that needs progress and you need to think of how Yamato’s feelings for Reila progresses. This will make the readers understand more and they wouldn’t be so confused.

6. Grammar, Spelling, Vocabularies: 9/15


- Dear, you need to work on your spelling, vocabulary and grammar. I’ve spotted lot of spelling mistakes, ‘realise’ should be ‘realize’, ‘comming’ doesn’t have a double m, so it should be ‘coming’ and ‘hospitalise’ should be ‘hospitalized’. These are just some of your spelling mistakes, I did spot more but it’s not that much.

Your vocabulary is not that wide thus causing you to repeat words and that bores people.

Your grammar is fine most of the times but there are times that your grammar is NOT fine. [you get me?] For example:

You wrote:

Many years ago, His real sister died of a disease, when she was only 2. Their family was heartbroken. Shunsuke was only four going on to five. Even at a young age he had to see and accept such things. And it was at that age he started to rebel. At the night of his sisters death was the night I was abandoned. I was also two at the time. So their family accepted me as a family memeber. Shunsuke adored me, and treated me like his real sister but he just could let go the fact that his real sister was already gone. I understand, it's a place that no one can replace in his heart. But the truth is he used me as a sub replacement. He treats me like how he would of treated her. That's why he cares so much. And for that...No motter what reason it is...I am really thankful to know I have such a great brother.

Edited:

Many years ago, Shunsuke’s real sister died of a disease at the age of 2. His family was heartbroken. Shunsuke was only four turning five. At such age, he had to see and accept such painful things. These things caused him to rebel.

The night of his sister’s death, was also the night I was abandoned. I was also two at that time. His family found me and accepted me as a member of their family. Shunsuke adored me and treated me like how he would have treated his real sister.

I didn’t believe that he could just let go of the fact that his real sister died at an early age. I understood that it’s a place that no one, not even me, can replace in his heart. The truth hurts. I accepted that I was just a replacement for his real sister. But he cares so much for me and I also care so much for him. And for that, no matter what reason it is, I am really thankful to have found such a great brother.

7. Characterization: 3/5


- Okay, here I was REALLY confused. At first, I thought that Reila was a tomboy. I thought she was tough. But then that changed. Reila appeared in the story as a weak and typical high school girl. And as a Gokusen fan, I know the characters’ of Gokusen personalities and in this story they changed. Especially Yamato.

8. Originality: 7/10


- I think your story is somehow original and somehow not. I can’t really explain but somehow I feel that way about your story. I really like the ending, even though I don’t fancy unhappy endings. BUT somehow the story seemed like a sequel to the story. So, it kinda feels like it’s based on the story of Gokusen 3. But then, I also felt your story was quite original because of the twists you put in the story that I don’t see in other stories.

9. Writing Style: 5/10


- As I said before, work on your grammar, spelling and vocabulary. And I’m telling you to stop using … a lot. It’s okay if it’s a dialogue but if it’s not in a dialogue, please avoid it cause it annoys me a LOT.

I was also confused with the P.O.Vs a lot especially with Reila. I suggest that you don’t put your readers in Reila shoes, because that just makes it more confusing, for me. I don’t know about others. But you should just use Reila’s P.O.V, so that it won’t be so confusing. And if you’re gonna do a P.O.V or flashback, kindly make it a little longer because I felt it was a little too short.

And what I also don’t get was the NORMAL written on top of some chapters or after a flashbacks. I really don’t get it.

10. Overall Enjoyment: 10/15


- I enjoyed it but in some parts of the story I was pretty bored. The thing I also like in your fic were the advices Yankumi gives. It really does help in life.

I hope the sequel goes great and I hope this review helps you.

Total: 61.5/100